I was listening to an old song just now called ‘Radioactive,’ but its a cover version by an American band called Our Last Night. The more popular version is the original by Imagine Dragons. The cover song brings me back to the time when I first heard it in Maryhill private halls of residence in Glasgow. I played it for a friend (in my room on my computer), a rare time when I played some music for someone. He didn’t like it. I couldn’t understand how someone wouldn’t like that sound. I was staying with 5 other guys from Oban there.

I’ve lost all those 5 friendships since then. Makes me wonder what the reason is (why I lost them)? Why do we (humans) not listen? Why do we choose to fight rather than mediate? I remember the same guy (who I played the music for) called me another time. I never picked up. I seemed to anticipate him leering and taunting me. But I wasn’t giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I wonder what I’d do if I saw any of those guys now? I wouldn’t know whether to walk away or insult them or laugh at them or greet them affectionately.

I heard one of them works in retail back in Oban. I heard another is married with a kid also back in Oban.

The guy was the closest thing to a leader we had I guess. I guess I never really appreciated him. I cared too much about my academics. I was in an individualistic and self help bubble. I cared more about saving money. When you are too safe and secure sometimes you forget what’s keeping you safe and secure.

I had my pick of friends back then. I had my (boys) network from High School. I had my classmates at my university. I had my family. I fitted cozily into that network of safety and security.

Funny thing is security and safety doesn’t always bring in the latest ideas. Entropy is what leads to the adoption of new ideas, when changes are made, when people are really listened to. If there is no entropy your mindset stays the same.

Maybe it was a perfect storm of environmental factors? Maybe it was my autistic traits?

Orson Welles in the Third Man said “In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed—but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”

I guess like everything there is a balance. With too much entropy there is chaos, and with none there is boredom and perhaps even stagnation.

I read a book recently by Malcolm Gladwell called ‘Blink.’ A relationship expert says the biggest predictor of divorce is contempt. “Contempt is conveyed through sarcasm, sneering, eye-rolling, mockery, or other gestures that communicate a lack of respect.”

Did I hold them in contempt? Did they hold me in contempt?

Maryhill was a very rough part of town. There was always gaunt looking characters. I used to go on a run by the canal. Firhill stadium was adjacent to our halls of residence. My memory of the area was it always being dark, windy, rainy, cold. There was a long walk to my university or there was the bus that didn’t give change. I befriended some of the neighbors. 

I visited one of the neighbor’s home in Spain in the Easter break. I guess there were signs of my unusualness even back then. Sun Tzu the Chinese general and philosopher said “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” Makes sense to me.