I was just now reading about how Trump has done the dirty on Ukraine with Putin. In moments like this its hard not to feel a sense of doom! In the 1st world war huge numbers of men in Scotland and England were drafted into the army to fight against the rising German Empire. We were slaughtered in places like the Somme (where I visited in Belgium). Those who did not enlist or get drafted were socially shamed back home. I read about it in English class in Oban High School! In such circumstances its hard to work out who you’d prefer to be! In moments like this one begins to think about their legacy, what they will leave behind.

Unfortunately in 2025 if World War Three broke out I’d never make the cut, for I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 2019. I would fail the medical screening. Every boy dreams of being a soldier, of leading the troops as a general for glory against some imaginary bad guy. I’ll never live that dream. Sounds slightly pathetic (and simplistic) but a part of me is still sad.

Of course I look and sound mostly normal to the people around me thanks to modern anti psychotics plus the expertise and dedication of my psychiatrist, psychologist and community psychiatric nurse. However people are not stupid, they notice differences, ask questions and hence this post.

I have memories of doing very questionable things, being in very questionable places and thinking very questionable things. What is it like being sick? Paranoid schizophrenia like autism is misrepresented in the media. Lots of people seem to think of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. The reality of schizophrenia is more like the feeling of elation and disordered thoughts. I could write a lot on the subject of the illness itself but this post isn’t about that. Bipolar is a disorder of the mood, schizophrenia is a disorder of the thoughts and mind. 

I read an excellent book on it by an American doctor called ‘Surviving Schizophrenia’ by E Fuller Torrey that I encourage anyone with an interest or who knows somebody with schizophrenia to read (or just to raise awareness).

In intensive psychiatric care units I have met a variety of characters. Unfortunately most of the people I have met have not cooperated with the recommended treatment long term and are stuck in a relapse loop. Alas life is not fair! Some survive and some die! Like animals in the animal kingdom. Ecclesiastes 3:20: “all are from dust, and all return to dust.”

There is a lot of ignorance around schizophrenia, as I have already mentioned. I hope to euthanize some of this ignorance by ‘coming out’ with my revelation (so to speak).

I guess the worst part of having an illness like schizophrenia is you are constantly questioning yourself. Am I mentally ill or is it stress? Am I going to be hospitalised against my will (‘sectioned’ as they call it)? I long ago gave up hallucinogenic drugs (they are very harmful to the brain) and alcohol (it interferes with the medication). Every question like ‘are you ok?’ ‘you don’t seem yourself today,’ hits at your confidence and makes you fearful. It makes one wonder if one is becoming ill??

There is however light at the end of the tunnel, some people completely recover after 10 years (I have read). They walk, talk and act like regular people. They have jobs and relationships and regular lives. I hope to be one of these people.

Seems like I’ve spent my whole life trying to be normal since my teenage years. But what is normal? How can any of us be normal in a World War three scenario?